A Father’s Pain

It’s been three months since we lost the twins. In the days that followed my wife was worried that I wouldn’t take the time to grieve, and that I would keep that grief inside of me. I understand that, due to my Japanese mother being the primary influence in my childhood years, that the way I handle things like grief and mourning can be very different from others around me, especially here in the United States. So while I don’t express it like others might, I certainly don’t hold in that grief. I channel it in other ways. With that said, sometimes the loss of the twins is still very raw. I am brought back to that whirlwind day where we went from the specialist back to Kimberly’s doctor and finally into the hospital, where the grim truth finally took hold that we would never see these two laugh and cry, grow up, skin their knees, eat too much candy, or any of the other things children do. That was not to be for these two. And those thoughts and memories rush forward to the present and I feel the pain all over again. A friend of mine, who has been through this same sadness, too, said it’s always this way. You never quite set it aside.

Then Job answered the LORD and said, “I know that You can do all things,
And that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.
‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’
“Therefore I have declared that which I did not understand,
Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.”
‘Hear, now, and I will speak;
I will ask You, and You instruct me.’
“I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear;
But now my eye sees You;
Therefore I retract,
And I repent in dust and ashes.”

– Job 42:1-6, NASB

I will confess to not understanding all of the whys behind our loss. I did see some things happen in the days afterward that I think only would have happened with such a heartbreaking shock. While that encourages me, it doesn’t bring about comprehension. And I very much feel like Job felt when he said, “Therefore I have declared that which I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.” I know there’s a reason and a purpose with every event and every happening. Nothing is beneath the notice of a sovereign and almighty God. And while I don’t understand why, He does. But that understanding doesn’t ease my pain.

About the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “ELI, ELI, LAMA SABACHTHANI?” that is, “MY GOD, MY GOD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?” – Matthew 27:46, NASB

It is at this point on the Cross that Jesus is no longer in touch with the Father. And shortly thereafter, Jesus died. God the Father experienced the separation and death of His own Son. God has felt my pain. He knows my pain. That does help me with my pain. It means that when I pour my heart out to my Heavenly Father, He understands. This isn’t about temptation, of which I know Christ faced everything that we would. This is about pain. My Father knows the pain of losing a son. And so when I go before Him, I go to someone who has been there. That is reassuring. That is comforting. And that helps me cope. That helps me move on with life, despite the pain.

There are many other pains that we go through in life. And our Lord and our God understands them more intimately than we can comprehend. It may not be so clear cut as a father losing a son, but our God created us, and He knows us and He knows what we go through. When we are hurting, we can turn to Him and look for comfort. He knows what we need to make it through. He knows what to say to help us deal with the pain. He has enough grace to cover any hurt, no matter how deep. This is a valuable lesson I have learned from the past three months, and one I know I will continue to go back to as I continue to mourn and deal with my grief. I offer it to others who may also be hurting. God knows our pain. We only need to take it to Him.

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